Conversation Starters:
How to Start Conversations with Your Kids!

Let's get talking with these conversation starters.

A dear friend once said she would never ask her teenage son about his guy/girl relationships. I found this shocking -- we need to know that kind of stuff!!

BIG TIME NEED TO KNOW!

I responded much less dramatic with her by giving her a lame, "Oh."
I was so baffled, I didn't know what to say!

So when I returned home, I quickly inquired of my teenage daughters who proceeded to tell me, "That's not surprising. A lot of kids don't talk with their parents."

Again, Shock & Surprise!!



Our kids need us! And we need to talk with them and find out how they are sorting out life.
Don't believe any bunk philosophy that says "kids don't need to tell their parents things."

That is a lie meant to place a wedge into the parent-child relationship.

You have a right to know what's going on with your child and you should want to know and fight for it!

But, remember it's just that. It will be a jumping off point, and you will have to continue to seek out your children and develop a relationship of trust, so they will confide in you.

Do this with fervor! Your kids need you! And it will be an amazingly rewarding experience :)

I can understand the distractions of life can make us too plum tired to talk with our kids, or their schedules don't allow for it. But, it's time to change that!!

Put these conversation starters to work for you, and develop deeper and more meaningful conversations with your kids.

Conversation starter tips & Mythbusters!

Don't let anyone tell you any different.

You are their parent for heaven's sake!

It certainly helps if you have established this pattern since they were young, but you can still redeem the time and talk with your kids, even if you are starting when they're teenagers.

If they are older, apologize to them for being absent, and let them know you want to establish open and honest communication. Let them know you will be asking questions about their friends and life, and assure them they can trust you with the information. Tell them you want to get to know them better, and share in their life.

Conversation starter #2: Use your observation skills and insight to help you establish questions, and gain access to their lives.

Know their interests, and start there. Talk about the things that interest them, and establish the talking relationship. Start with the simple and even a bit obvious.

Sincerely, want to get to know your child.

If your first approach doesn't work: Try another approach.
Be patient and keep trying until they let you in.
Hang in there!

Conversation starter #3: Don't let the day start or finish without talking to your children.

This means greet your kids in the morning, and say good-night before they go to bed -- be sure this is your all-time minimum in talking with your kids each day. Often, at night kids are more open to discussing the day and it can be a great time to debrief with them. Take advantage of this opportunity -- these are your built-in conversation starters.

Conversation starter #4: Notice if and when they seem angry or frustrated; sad or lonely. Bring it up. Face it head on!

Recently, I went in to say good-night to my youngest (13 years old) and it looked as though she'd been crying.
I asked her what was the matter; had she been crying and why?
She seemed reluctant and embarrassed at first, but I probed gently, and she opened up. She was sad our 2nd daughter might not be able to come and stay at home this summer because she needs to take a summer class. She misses her sisters who are stateside in college.

I acknowledged how she felt and agreed I was sad too.

I told her I appreciated hearing how she felt about it, and that we would consider her perspective in making the final decision (money will be the factor this time). I expressed that it did matter how she felt, and it was important for her to have time with her sisters.

This may seem obvious, but even the simple inquiry makes a difference.

Your kids are eager for a relationship with you.

My youngest really looks up to her sisters -- when she was very young, my oldest girls helped me in caring for her. She gains so much encouragement in being with them -- they are a part of her core and being with them gives her stability.

You will ease into it with the simple and obvious, and it will grow into deeper conversation.

They want help in sorting out life, and as I've said before:
They need you! :)

Life can be a difficult road, and they need your expertise and guidance to navigate it.

Sidebar: We are American missionaries living in the Philippines serving the urban poor. Our oldest two girls came with us in 2000, but have both returned to the states for college. Our oldest is married now. The girls have come home (to the Philippines) every summer and Christmas break to be with the family.

Another time, my youngest seemed to be angry and talking angrily to everyone in the family. I stopped her and asked the obvious,
"What's the matter; why are you talking angry to us?" Very simple questions.
"Has something happened at school or with a friend?"
That usually gets them talking or crying, because at their age; their problems usually revolve around a friend or a friendship.

She shared that a friend was being mean and she was frustrated. Girls can sometimes be nasty to each other, and she was feeling that from this friend.

We talked about it and possible solutions; we talked about how to love her friend, and that talking to us in anger wasn't the solution either.

In a nutshell: Observe & inquire; acknowledge their feelings or frustrations and talk about possible solutions -- their ideas as well as, yours.

These are great learning opportunities for you & your child -- they learn how to deal with frustrations; they realize you are there for them & they open up a window into their soul for you to share.

Your observation skills will be crucial to staying in tune with your child. And, don't be afraid to ask questions. Inquire with love and grace :)

Conversation starter #5: Create opportunities to talk with your kids.

Go out on a special night for dinner to a favorite restaurant or out to breakfast or coffee with just one or all of your kids. Dedicate that time to visiting and talking about what is going on in their life -- friends, school, church, relationships, hopes, dreams -- any and all things :) Depending on your budget, staying home and talking works too -- no need to spend unnecessarily.
You may benefit from reading parenting tips 1.
And two.

A great way to create opportunity for conversation is through family games. Check them out here and conversation cards.

27 Questions to get your kids talking!

1. Who are their friends? If you don't know this already; find out. Invite their friends over and get to know them.
2. What are their favorite qualities about their friend(s)? Refer to their friends by name.
3. Do they have any concerns as it relates to their friend(s)?
4. What is their favorite thing about school? Church? Sports? Other activities?
5. What is their least favorite thing about school? Church? Sports? Other activities?
6. If they have a boyfriend or girlfriend -- how is the relationship going?
7. What are the frustrations in the relationship?
8. Do they see themselves with this person long term?
9. What is their idea of the ideal mate? Why?
10. What traits are important to them in a spouse?
11. What are their dreams for the future?
12. Their fears for the future?
13. If money was not a consideration, what would they do with their life or career?
14. Do they have hobbies they would like to develop? What are they?
15. Where would they want to go on a family vacation? What was their favorite family vacation so far? Why?
16. What is their favorite food(s)?
17. Do they have a favorite place in the house? If yes, what makes it special?
18. What do they think they are good at?
19. What areas do they want to develop in themselves?
20. Are they ever afraid? About what?
21. What was their most embarrassing moment?
22. Favorite TV show(s)? Why?
23. Favorite movie(s)? Favorite movie character(s) and why?
24. Favorite book(s)? Favorite character(s) and why?
25. What was their best birthday celebration or what would it be?
26. If they had to describe themselves in one or two words, what would they say?
27. How would others describe them?

These conversation starters should get you rolling :) New questions and topics of conversation will develop from the above.

Remember to proceed out of love for your children and an interest in getting to know them -- your questions will be geared around their individual personality and interests, and the conversations will flow :)

To conversation starters & great conversations with your kids,
Julie

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